Sex. I've been thinking a lot and i just cant stop thinking about sex. I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 5 months now and we haven't had sex yet. I'm 15 and completely a virgin, however he's not. I've been to his house many times and we've made each other cum. I guess you could say we've dry humped. Call it what you want; but its so nice. The rush I get from an orgasm is a feeling i crave daily. I guess I've let him finger me, not properly, occasionally he slips his finger in but it hurts a lot. Trouble is, i really want him but at the same time, i guess I'm not ready. I'm constantly fighting this battle with myself, and I don't know how i can truly win.
I know i worry a lot. Too much sometimes. Having sex, with him, i know its something i want, but there's just so much that goes on in my head to worry about.. STD's, pregnancy, my insecurities and mostly the pain. You hear stories and when i think about what is actually going to happen: A bit of my skin tears or breaks. To me, those words are shouting PAIN. I'm just so scared. The other main thing i cant stop thinking about, is the fact hes not a virgin. He lost his virginity to his ex, who i hate, for many reasons and that is the main one. I cant help worrying if she will be better. I have nothing to compare my experience to and hes amazing so I wouldn't want to but he does and that scares me. His ex is also a year older than him, which makes me think she might have had experience.
Even though im only 15 and people say when you're a teenager you think you're in love with everyone, but i know i love him. Everything about him, its just perfect for me. I'm not a big planner when it comes to the future, so saying " forever" scares me, but i know, right now, i want him to stay in my life for as long as possible and hes the boy i'd want to lose my virginity too.
Another thing. I kind of let him go down on me, i tried not to but the temptation got the better of me. I've always wanted to know what it felt like and he wanted to do it so badly. Another reason it made it so hard to stop him. I'm so incredibly insecure i just didnt want him to go down and see my..flower. The thought of anyone, especially him seeing it, scares the crap out of me but he did and it was very nice. I was also weary of him doing it because i didnt want to have the added pressure of having to go down on him. The whole concept of girls giving boys blow jobs is completely normal and common and i'm not judging but i just can't bring myself to do it or think about doing it right now.
I love to tease him; i start of by leading the kiss, then slowly edging for his neck and gradually trailing down his chest. I can hear him quietly mumbling " go further, keep going" I guess he obviously does want me to go down, but i just go back up and kiss him again. I have given him a handjob and i find a weird pleasure doing it. I love the control i have over him when my hand is wrapped around his..lollypop and its up to me how much pleasure i give him and his facial expressions are the best. Plus the way it feels is a feeling i cant describe.
Note to.. anyone: This is my first blog. Therefore i have no idea who or what can see this. So sorry if it has become way too much information.
I guess the concept and details and my imagination or expectation and worries of how sex is going to be was just jumping around in my head and i had to write them down. The good it has done to really be able to read what im thinking is crazy.